Do you know WHAT MAKES ME MAD?? It makes me SO MAD I just want to...
Sound familiar? If you want to manage anger, the only way of doing so is to listen to your self-talk. This doesn’t mean listening to yourself talk. It means listening to your SELF-TALK.
It’s quite true that anger is created from within. No matter how much you say—“She made me mad!” “It makes me so mad when…”—the anger comes from YOU, not it or she.
Our reaction to “it” or “she” is actually where the anger comes from. And simply by changing our reaction we can change the way we feel (from angry to more composed, for instance.)
Doesn’t it make sense, then, if anger is created from within that we have the power from within to keep from getting angry? The answer is a definitive YES.
By adjusting how you think about a situation, to listen your self-talk, is how you keep yourself from getting mad—period.
How? By listening for demands. What are demands? They’re easy to spot. They ALWAYS involve the word SHOULD, or its evil twins…ought, must, have-to, need.
ANY TIME these words or thoughts are used they will create anger. Whether you use them on someone or someone is using them on you, a sense of anger, rage or mad evolves from these words/thoughts of demand.
There are numerous examples of how this is true, but here is a simple one that most everyone can relate to:
You’re driving in rush-hour traffic, late to get home. Another driver cuts you off, almost hitting you, so he can run a yellow light that actually is quite red by the time he runs it—leaving you stopped at the light and cursing the driver as he speeds away.
Your immediate thoughts are: “What an idiot! People like that shouldn’t be allowed to drive!! He’s an accident waiting to happen. They ought to lock him up!!”
The word –should- creates anger because you’re being demanding of a situation that is totally out of your control. It may very well be that you wish he didn’t drive like that, but the cold, hard reality is that you are totally powerless to do anything about it.
Instead if you approach the situation without demands then your reaction will change appropriately. You may wish he didn’t drive that way, you may prefer it, but he’s driving that way…so don’t deny the reality of it!
It may be illegal, but it’s his choice to drive that way. You’d feel much better to accept it and not demand anything to the contrary.
This works for anything in life. When you “should on somebody” you’re creating anger for yourself (or them) when it is totally un-necessary.
When you knock off the demands, shoulds and oughts, you’ll notice a difference. It would be nice if things always went the way you want them to go, but that isn’t reality, so become more tolerant by listening to your own thoughts and you’ll start to see anger withering away.
WARNING: Self-help may be useful, but should not be considered a substitute for professional help. Emotional and behavioral disturbances may be debilitating and dangerous. You should not hesitate to seek professional help: if you have thoughts of killing yourself or harming others; if you feel depressed, anxious, guilty or down on yourself frequently, suffer from anxeity; if you are abusing substances; if your performance or interpersonal relationships are seriously impaired. Copyright 2004-2008---StressGroup, Tampa Florida, USA-- Worldwide Rights Reserved. The self-help information on this web site is for purposes of information and education, not psychotherapy or counseling. See Terms of Use for important information pertaining to the use of all materials on this website.
